My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
