is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
