i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
