i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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