alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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