I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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