oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
