She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
