This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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