I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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