whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
