Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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