Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
