Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
