Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
