if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
