Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
