What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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