If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
