And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
