let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
