I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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