My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
