I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
