I'm jealous of your bromance
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
