it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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