I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
