She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
