Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
there is puke in my bra ... again
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