she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
