you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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