accomplished twins. life is a go
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
