if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
