Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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