You're my little dorito
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
