at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I think I won the penis lottery.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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