Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
