My first STD was from a foam party
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
