Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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