My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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