I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
