checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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