U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
