I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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