I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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