i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i dont even know how to be here
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
