Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I can't turn off my feet"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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