I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize