so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize