i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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