The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
