DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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