I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
