My room smells like vodka and shame
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
