My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
