this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
