Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
