Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
